- People say it can’t be done.
- The experience sounds dangerous, but given the proper precaution, is predictably safe. (Being swallowed by a whale to see if you really can be shot out the blowhole is probably not safe.)
- Our mothers say it’s not safe, implore us not to do it, tell us we’re breaking their heart, but subsequently talk us up to all their friends about “how cool this little adventure my boy and his friend are going on!”
- It is inspirational. People who hear the idea go, “ahhhhh man that’s f—in’ cool! I wish I could do something like that. Alas, I’m…” What are you waiting for! Go do it!
- Again, mom does not feel a hundred percent on the idea. (Love you, mommy :))
- Dad says, “Just don’t get yourself killed,” cracks open a Bud, and lays on the couch, possibly farting. This is actually our number one criterion.
- It is the freaking most awesomest coolest idea you’ve ever heard of, so cool that you wet your pants. Yes, you must actually wet your pants. Anything less would constitute an idea that only Martha Stewart or that Hasselbeck chick from The View would do. Yes, I wet my pants when I thought of the Mississippi trip. . . . . . (so that’s what that damn smell is).
- It is, in fact, what Jesus would do.
- It is, in fact, what we would do if we had all the time, money and immortality in the world. It is what we would do for free, what we love to do, what we want to do. It makes us sing, makes our heart sing, makes the birds and even the Danish sing. It is beautiful, beauteous, and beauty-filled.
- We answer the following question in the affirmative: Do you really, really, really want to do it?
- The venture is actually dangerous. (We do not have a death wish. Our bag is exploration and wonder with a little bit of “Can this really be done?” for flavor.)
- The venture is simply boring, i.e. “Hey guys, you should do a trip where you play shuffle board with two greasy old men in Sandusky, Ohio; Sheboygan, Wisconsin; and somewhere else cool like Bangor, Maine!” Wasn’t that essentially the last episode of Hannity’s America?
- You have to force yourself to like it. “Wow, that’d be awesome!” needs to be the first or second thing out of your mouth when you consider the possibility of this idea’s manifestation in the real world. “Hey look, reruns of American Gladiators!” can be the third, but not one or two.
- It’s not scary enough. Part of the fun is not knowing if you can actually do it. Or if you actually will do what you say you’re going to do. Mental reticence, doubt, and breaking into a cold sweat, faux-slitting your wrists with a butter knife screaming, “Holy crap, I don’t know if I have the time, energy, money, and ability to do this!” is fine. Your heart not being in it, is not.
- You feel pretty good about the end result, but not necessarily the journey. The excitement of the journey must be equal to or greater than the excitement of the end result.
- Your normally unruffled father (or other impassive friend or relative) looks you in the eye and honestly goes, “Uhhhhh, I don’t know about that one.” Now leave the room, you know why.
- Mommy is not secretly supportive. She feels neither excited nor comfortable with the idea.
- Go to the biggest cynic you know. Pitch him the idea. I mean choose the most annoyingly negative, contemptuously derisive, scornful SOB you know. What was his reaction? Negative, right? Wait 3 days. Does he start asking you about that “stupid, gay idea you guys have? I mean, that’s just retarded. You can’t do that. Dumb. I mean…jeez. So when are you guys going? I mean do you need someone to help? Not that I want to, but it’d be kinda cool, you know. Like, maybe I can help with the prep. This trip’s gonna be awesome! I mean if it wasn’t so dumb. So can I go?”? If after 3 days, he still thinks it’s stupid, consider checking the box.
- You really don’t want to do this.